Ah, the French Dating Scene.
I’m Jamaican (wah gwaan!). I was an expat living in France for over 5 years. Talked a lot about “finding a partner” with my French friends. It only took me 1.5 years to realise that I was going about the french dating scene all wrong.
Disclaimer: Of course each person and relationship is different so this may not apply to everybody. I’m discussing what I’ve experienced, observed and discussed with french friends and other Europeans.
So What’s the French Dating Scene Like as a Jamaican?
First you need to know what is the “French dating scene”? Well it is definitely different from the ‘North American/Caribbean’ model.
I would go as far as to say that many French people don’t really “date”.
Ok so let me qualify what I mean by “dating”. When I say ‘date/dating’ I mean the “get to know each other” phase. The “courting” period (ugh, hate this term). The “who/what are my options?” segment…you know, let’s have dinner with a couple folks before you decide who you really like and want to spend your time with.
Yea, so the French don’t really do this. They kind of just get together in a relationship and then figure it out.
Also you can’t date more than one person at a time. Like there is no option, no way, no how you can do this. If the other person finds out (even if it’s a few days after you first met that person) consider yourself dumped.
What generally happens is a french person will meet someone (usually at a party); verify mutual attraction; and 1-2 weeks later they establish a relationship.
This was strange for me as a Jamaican. and it was the biggest source of my cultural misunderstandings with french men.
Top Catastrophic Misunderstandings I’ve Experienced?
- There was this one guy I dumped in a blink of an eye because he called me his girlfriend after like 3.5 weeks 😮 I ran like the wind!
— - Another guy dumped me because he thought I wasn’t interested because I wouldn’t respond to his texts immediately and because I was not interested in seeing him every single day of the week, the first week we started going out. (In hindsight, I might have dodged a bullet with this one)
— - Speaking of which, the French, from my experience (and observation) are waaaayyy more attached than I can handle. I remember I had a bit of a challenge explaining to one of my exes that I needed some “me time” and that I was gonna just stay home to “do nothing”. Or that I didn’t think he should come with me on every outing. (Hmmmm, maybe he was just insecure and this had nothing to do with French dating?)
— - Although it seems to me that once a french person gets in a relationship they kinda just disappear and spend all of their time with said person. Not that anything is wrong with that…it’s just not for me (not yet anyways).
Three weeks and I’m somebody’s girlfriend? No sah! No thank you.
How to Get a French Person Interested in Dating You
The french will think you’re not interested if you don’t want to get together after 3 solid weeks of love, affection and attention (and promptly move on!).
Hahaha silly me to want to “take it slow” and “get to know” the guy before I get into an official relationship. The French generally do this the other way around…they get in the relationship in order to get to know each other. They find it weird that we “North Americans” expect to know anything meaningful during our so called “dating”.
BUT the french don’t usually ask the kind of questions we do. They don’t play the game of 20 Questions (and sometimes 120 Questions). They don’t ask (or wanna know), in the first 3 months for example, what the other person’s ambitions are; where they see themselves in 2yrs; how many kids they want; if they plan on getting married; their dreams and aspirations; blah blah blah.
The French focus mainly on the good feelings; the fact that they’re having fun, etc.
French people will think you’re not interested if you don’t wanna get together after 3 solid weeks of love, affection and attention #FrenchDatingScene Click To TweetSo in all fairness, they are right. You won’t learn anything meaningful about the person you’re dating if you do it the “french way.” But if you go about it “ninja detective style” then yes, you can learn a buttload of stuff about your “potential partner”.
Different strokes for different folks!
Even worse, if I emphasize the good ole “virginal christian” relic values of the Jamaican/US dating system then I’m surely doomed. I tried to explain that it’s not so weird to date someone for 1-3 months without sex. I was greeted with bulging eyes. This is almost unheard of in France.
Remember I said “they verify mutual attraction”? Weeelll how do you think they “verify” this? *wink wink*
French friends just could not fathom the concept of maintaining intimacy and attraction without sex. And also how to avoid sex for such a long period when you are attracted to each other? Personally, 1 month is doable (2 is pushing it), after that I become a starved crazed animal (don’t judge me!). <— This is STILL too long for the French. They are all for wanting to make sure all the ‘mechanics’ are fully functioning and up to scratch 😉
There is also a trend that I’ve noticed in France that I may NEVER get accustomed to:
Kissing random folks you’ve just met in a club.
Yea, no. Just ewww.
This is apparently the easiest, fastest and popular way to get a date.
In retrospect, I may have been quite distant and cold from a French point of view. Not ‘may have’ lol, I was. This was confirmed by an ex. But now that we’re good friends, he’s admitted that I’m not cold at all but that I just have different ways of dating and he didn’t understand it at the time. Oh well.
Honestly, this whole french dating scene has been kinda stressful – for both parties, I’m sure. BUT that’s a part of the package when you decide to move abroad. Sometimes the new culture gels really well with your own. Other times? Not so much.
I’m still learning and exploring and laughing at the complete mess I’ve made of my lovelife. My french friends laugh all the time…I was REALLY clueless when I first arrived. Now I get it a bit more and I am able to say which things I will not budge on (ie. kissing random people) and those I can adjust.
It’s a learning curve 🙂
Have you ever dated someone from a different culture or race? How did you manage your differences? Did it make or break your relationship? Did the differences enhance or become a burden?
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Wow! That’s a lot of getting used to! Dating in Jamaica (and really, in the entire Anglophone Caribbean) has it’s issues but I’m quite content with waiting a few months to have sex (even if my current relationship started off with a much shorter timeline 😅) and most of our other dating customs. I love me some me-time too and I’m glad to have a partner who enjoys his own company as well. We also have time with our friends away from each other. All that to me is necessary for a healthy relationship. The only thing I respect about the French’s dating scene though is seeing only one person at a time. I’m all for exclusive dating, even before official labels of bf & gf.
Thanks for sharing. This was an interesting read.
Lol yes it def took some getting used to. Now I’m in-between French style and Jamaican style. It depends on my mood hahaha!
Dating Jamaican men is difficult… one minute they hot and the next they are cold and you have no idea why…. and there latest trend is hit it and quit it, Netflix and chill, all the benefits of a girlfriend but no claim, thinking they are everything (when they really aren’t), commitment phobia, one bag a women on the side 🤣. Guys from other cultures are more respectful and they treat you way better and they are more honest with what they are looking for and want. Only thing that most times gets in the way is distance or just not the right fit… but at least you know what your getting instead of a “puss” in a bag like most Jamaican men are giving. They tell you what you want to hear or they treat you like a common chick on the street. Doesn’t sound like good options to me. I know other cultures women have issues with men but in my experience they have way better ‘game’ than Jamaican men. Sorry not sorry…. single Jamaican men please do better and stop being a hoe 🙃, an actor, or plain old …. you fill in the blanks lol. Oh and to the ‘nice’ Jamaican men out there… you clearly aren’t nice cause you would have been taken or married already stop lying and grow up! Lol To the Jamaican women that found themselves a ‘good’ Jamaican man consider yourself lucky 🙂 cause it’s a dying breed.
i def agree that dating Jamaican men can be difficult. Sometimes I feel like many of them are too caught up in “playing games” and not being upfront from the beginning. It makes it hard to trust.
🤔 ummmmm you gals sure you describing Jamaican men or American men because I couldn’t tell the difference between the two! I am like 🧐. This article describes a French man I’m over like hot damn I go French clingy?? Umm American men ghost or either too possessive like get jealous of everyone and everything… I have always said the men from other countries display so much more respect to women than American men. I am sorry Jamaican men have learned from Americans.. it’s sad. But cudos to both you ladies. Strong, independent, and not afraid to express yourself . Keep doing it! Much 💕 from AM, Southern Belle of Mississippi, USA… 😘
Oh. My. God! That sounds quite traumatic. I would have probably just joined a convent after a few interactions. At least you got a good story and learned some life lessons.
lol yes it was a culture shock at first. Then you adjust…but not before collecting some funny stories hahaha
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